It fucking hurts

I dont even know how to describe the pain anymore.
I hurt all.the.time. but when i stop at the end of the day and lay down or sit on the couch the pain rolls over me like waves of fire and the pain is so intense i want to vomit.
My lower back, hips, shoulders and hands are giving me constant grief. At night the pain intensifies to the point where i cant hold anything. My forearms start to ache, like deep in my bones. Then my lower legs, again, deep in my bones.
There is no position that is comfortable.or offers less pain. No amount of pillows for propping or heating pads ease the pain.
So i move constantly. Shifting my legs. Tossing and turning. Moving the heating pad on so high i have good chances of burning myself.
If i dont take medication to sleep it takes me 3 or 4 hours to even fall asleep and then the pain wakes me up. Jolts of pain. Muscle spasms. I wake up gasping, sometimes with tears already streaming down my face.
And then the medication stops working as well and i start self medicating with the pharmacy in my bedside table.

I lost my soul at superstore

Why is it that when there is a long weekend and stores are closed for one day, people go shopping like it is the fucking apocalypse??
All i wanted was my regular weekly shop and there are people buying 4 oil drum sized cans of coffee and 6 super mega packs of toilet paper.
The check out lines snaked around the front of the store like some kind of...well...snake. the other customers glaring at me because i am taking too long to bag my groceries and im thinking if you say something to me i will fucking stab you.
The parking lot.  Omg the parking lot. I am pulling out, carefully, as there are people walking fucking everywhere. Dude that owns the car next to me decides he is going to walk between the cars and get in. So i stop because if i dont i will take his fucking door off. Then he starts backing out. I am like dude i am trying to fuckibg drive here. What a god damn asshole.
This was possibly the worst thing someone with raging anxiety could have done this morning.

Goddammit!

10 pm
Me: ahhh comfy in bed, time to sleep.

Brain: wait a minute there. I have compiled a thorough power point presentation of everything you have ever done wrong in your life.

4 hours later
Me: Great. We are done here.
Brain: hang on, there is that one thing you did in grade three.

I had a dream!

So I will start this by saying, I don't dream. I think this is maybe because i only sleep if I am drugged to the eyeballs. I woke up about 830am and must have fallen back asleep at some point. I remember checking my phone and setting an alarm for 1130am. I drifted a bit but I must habe actually hit a deep sleep which I don't think I have done in years.
I had a dream. It was very vivid and real, even incorporated my alarm into the dream. Anyways, I was pregnant in my dream, I had just found out with my imaginary partner. I promptly quit my job. This entire dream is taking place in a school full of screaming children. Then I was like wtf, why did I quit my job and went begging for it back. Blathering on about the shock of it and how my kids are grown and my daughter is 14 already blah blah. Then the bell rang, which was my alarm.
I wonder if this is my brain screaming along with me that omg my kids are grown.
Sorry brain, no babies. It would have to be immaculate conception for one thing. And also, no. I am almost 40 ffs.

Brain wont quit

My daughter, who is my youngest, left today with my mother and step father for a trip to New York. It will be an awesome experience for her. For me? I have my demons (anxiety) to deal with. I have a phobia of flying so putting her on a plane without me is horrifying. I also am realising that there is separation anxiety. I feel it every time she goes to her days and we do 50/50 so i feel it a lot.
I had quite a good anxiety attack i managed to get them to the airport before i broke down. They arrived safely so i can calm the hell down but my brain is in overdrive. Of course i have to get up early tomorrow

Lizard brain

You know what is amazing? When your lizard brain wont let you sleep because what if you are about to be attacked by werewolves, then what? Or chickens. A chicken attack could happen at any time. Or a werechicken. You need to be on your toes, ready to run or arm yourself with cuticle scissors and defend yourself.
Basically you never know so for god sake do NOT go to sleep.
FML

March 26 2018

What a waste of a day. Didnt leave the house or get anything done. I couldn't even take the garbage out. I picked it up, put it down and walked away. I would have had to put a coat on and shoes and my god that sounds like a lot of effort.  I feel guilty that i didnt do anything.  Why? Why guilt?
Depression lies. I try to keep reminding myself.
I have battled depression most of my life but this is a new brand of depression and it fucking sucks. I get bouts of rage so intense it scares me. I cry at nothing and everything. And in between rage and sobs i am numb. I feel like a zombie. I switched meds in november because what i was on didnt seem to be cutting it any more. The withdrawl was horrific. I am now on a max dose of two different meds for anxiety and depression and a max dose of meds for the fibro. Did i mention the pain is horrible? So why do i take 15 pills a day to feel like walking in front of a bus and have horrible pain.....what if it is worse without the meds? I dont know if i can go through the withdrawl and side effects of trying a new medication. I suppose i will have to. My goal is to get through to summer break and maybe change meds then when i am off work. I think i would lose my job if i had to switch meds now. I barely hold it together as is.