March 26 2018

What a waste of a day. Didnt leave the house or get anything done. I couldn't even take the garbage out. I picked it up, put it down and walked away. I would have had to put a coat on and shoes and my god that sounds like a lot of effort.  I feel guilty that i didnt do anything.  Why? Why guilt?
Depression lies. I try to keep reminding myself.
I have battled depression most of my life but this is a new brand of depression and it fucking sucks. I get bouts of rage so intense it scares me. I cry at nothing and everything. And in between rage and sobs i am numb. I feel like a zombie. I switched meds in november because what i was on didnt seem to be cutting it any more. The withdrawl was horrific. I am now on a max dose of two different meds for anxiety and depression and a max dose of meds for the fibro. Did i mention the pain is horrible? So why do i take 15 pills a day to feel like walking in front of a bus and have horrible pain.....what if it is worse without the meds? I dont know if i can go through the withdrawl and side effects of trying a new medication. I suppose i will have to. My goal is to get through to summer break and maybe change meds then when i am off work. I think i would lose my job if i had to switch meds now. I barely hold it together as is.